A story I wrote on FB

A story I wrote on FB, starring my friends. Each paragraph
was a status:

It's a cold winter's day and our protagonist Mitten is
emerging from the donor centre having done the great deed of giving JD.
"Some patients will be feeling pretty happy soon," he chuckled to
himself. He felt a bit woozy... something was wrong. Could there be blood
getting in to his JD system? He set off in high hopes to the nearest Tesco's.
Little did he know that this was the start of a quest that would change his
life forever...

He arrived at the shop only to discover it was closed. The
next shop was the same, and the next. All the shops that sold alcohol were
closed. It wasn't a bank holiday, what could be going on? Was it like this all
over the country? He was shocked from his thoughts by his phone. An unknown
number flared up. Should he answer? Could this be related to the mysterious
closing of all alcohol shops? He wondered too long and the call ended. Luckily
they rang again straight after. "Hello?" He asked tentatively. The
voice on the other end replied "there's no time to explain, you have to
come here right away. Come to my house, it's safe here." "But I don't
even know who you are" "Oh, it's me... Kettle" The line died and
Mitten set off.

He knocked on the door 3 times, and then heard a voice say
"That's not the secret knock." "But you didn't tell me about any
secret knock, Kettle just open up!" Mitten replied, frustrated. Kettle
opened the door and hurried Mitten in. "Is this about the shop closures?
Who's responsible?" "It's Magic Man" "James? But why?"
Kettle started pacing ranting as he walked. "I don't know why, he's such a
good guy, it's like he's changed. Maybe one of his tricks backfired, I just
don't know, we need an expert!" Mitten sat deep in thought. "But who
Kettle? Who?" "There's only one guy I can think of... but they're not
in Bedford." "You don't mean..." "Yes we have to go find
Rob!"

Kettle agreed to go travelling with Mitten. They made their
way to Southampton on the train, but the tension was difficult to deal with.
Mitten was sure they were being followed. When they arrived at London St
Pancras they hit the ground running, sure enough Ellie 'Goulding' was following
them. Why Ellie? No time to dwell. She was gaining on them. What should they
do? Kettle suddenly stopped, "Go, I'll hold her off, just go!" Mitten
didn't want to leave him but he knew getting to Rob unfollowed was important.
He ran and dived onto the next train. Then stood up awkwardly and made his way
to his seat.

Finding Rob was straight forward. He was waiting for Mitten
at the train station. He said nothing, just gestured Mitten to follow him and
led him to an old fashioned cafe. "What's going on Rob?" What would
make James and Ellie 'Goulding' act like that?" Rob lowered his drink and
leaned in, Mitten thought oh here he goes again trying to kiss me, but instead
Rob said "Don't concern yourself with them. They are underlings for
Lianne. She's been collecting members for a terrible plot. We all know how she
can down a pint of vodka in a minute, but her actual alcohol consumption is
much worse. She plans to steal all the alcohol... first in the UK, but then in
the world. She's already stolen 80% of the alcohol in the UK." Mitten was
shocked his head span with all this new information. How could he not realise a
close friend was actually an evil genius and alcoholic? The worst combination.

"Mitten." Robert Mason said earnestly.
"Mitten snap out of it." Mitten felt dizzy but he tried his best to
concentrate. "What can we do?" He eventually managed to get out.
"You are the only one that can save us. You have to travel to Nottingham
and meet the Guardian of the Wray. The Wray is the only weapon that can defeat
Lianne. Once you have it, travel to Sheffield, that's where her evil lair is. "The
trains aren't safe; I have a surprise for you." They finished their drinks
and went outside. Mitten couldn't believe his eyes. There parked in the road
was none other than the Mitten-mobile! He had to wipe away a little tear. He
tried to thank Rob but couldn't get the words out. When everything seemed
bleak, here was a symbol of hope, the mitten-mobile restored to its former
glory. He turned to Rob, but he'd disappeared.

Mitten got in the driving seat and noticed a note and a shot
glass on the passenger seat. Rob had written "You may need this. Good
Luck! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" Perhaps a few too many kisses but then he had restrained
himself in the cafe. He drove to Nottingham as fast as he could. He was sure
nothing could surprise him now. He was determined to finish this quest. And
that is when he met Billie.

"I am Nerdosaurus, Guardian of the Wray, who are
you?" "Err Billie? It's me... Mitten!" Billie looked confused
for a moment. "Mitt... I am Nerdosaurus, Guardian of the Wray, who are
you?" Something was wrong, but he'd have to play along if he was going to get
the Wray. Why hadn't Robert Mason warned him the guardian was his friend?
"I am Mitten, I am on a quest to get the Wray and defeat Lianne!"
"There is only one way to get the Wray, you must defeat me in a drinking
contest! Choose your spirit!" Mitten shuddered at the memory of Tequila
Night 2012, but then remembered something she couldn't drink! "I choose
vodka!" Billie inhaled sharply, "Vodka, my only weakness! How did you
know?" "I'm running out of time, get the vodka!" Billie proceeded
to line up vodka shots, dreading the stomach pains she knew she'd feel later,
but maybe this stranger was a lightweight she thought?

Mitten was happy to drink he needed to regain his strength,
although he would much rather have had JD he couldn't take the risk and vodka
was a guaranteed weakness of Billie's! She conceded as she started to remember
a bit more of herself. "Mitten? What's going on?" She cried weakly.
"I'm sorry I made you drink vodka, it was the only way to get the
Wray." "The Wray? Mitten! I remember. Eddy hypnotised me into staying
here. He said he was sorry but it had to be kept safe." She grabbed the
Wray from a secret cupboard behind her. "I want to help but I'm going to
be out of action for a day." "It's ok I have this. I can defeat her
and everything will go back to normal. Go and lie down, I'll explain the
situation more carefully when I get back from Sheffield. He set off in high
hopes. He could do this. And he would. For all his friends.

Pumped up on the vodka he made it to Sheffield in record
time. He slipped around the door man and the guards at the front of the house
easily. They never thought to check the back door. He was in luck; just one
lone guard patrolled the hallway, Daniel renowned lightweight! One shot of the
Wray and he was running to the nearest plant pot! He took a deep breath and
prepared for the main event.

Lianne dropped her trademark pint of vodka when Mitten
entered, glass shattered, small pieces flew across the room. This was too easy.
"Stop!" Lianne knew she was in trouble. But maybe she could bargain
her way out. "We can make a deal. You can have all the JD. You'll have
free JD for life, more than even you can drink!" Mitten couldn't say he
wasn't tempted. But what was the point without friends to drink with?
"You've lost your way Lianne, what happened to you?" "Fool, how
do you think you'll survive like this? What if the JD runs out how will you
live then? Your body would shut down." "You've lost it Lianne, you
have to be stopped!" He used the Wray on Lianne, one shot, two shots,
three. It wasn't enough. She pressed a button and two robots came out of the
walls lunging at Mitten. He took them out easily and fired 3 more shots at Lianne.
Five robots came out. He took out two before the remaining bots grabbed his
legs and arms.

No. This couldn't be how it ended. He'd promised himself
that he could do this. He had to believe it this time. He'd had enough of self-doubt
it was time to show the world his true strength. He took out one more robot.
"You can do this Mitten." Robert Mason's words echoed in his head.
"Your friends believe in you." He took out the remaining two robots
and aimed at Lianne firing 5 shots this time! She started to wobble on her
feet. She looked ready to puke.... 10 more robots entered the battle.

He braced himself. It would take more than self-belief this
time. It would take a miracle. Luckily, right at that moment, Kettle, riding on
a huge Hawk, burst through the window. Lottie and CO'B rode in on Giant pandas!
Ten robots seemed like a piece of cake now. Lianne attempted to flee knowing
she was close to defeat. Luckily Moo blocked the exit allowing Mitten to fire
two shots in quick succession. She vomited admitting defeat. "Well I guess
thirteen really is an unlucky number for some" Mitten said, once more
laughing at his own joke, and so finishing this story the way it started.